How To Ruin Your Ex's Wedding

This article exists only to discuss an idea. Do not actually do it. A person should be generous and broad-minded, just like me. Right.

The easiest way to ruin your ex’s wedding is to show up in person and cause trouble, but the outcome will probably be that you get beaten to death by a hundred relatives and friends.

Or you could have your little brother Long Wu bring a thousand men to smash the place up. But if you really had that kind of power, your ex probably would not have run off with someone else in the first place.

So let us discuss a more realistic scenario. You are a poor loser with only one computer. How can you achieve this goal with the fewest resources possible?

Gather intelligence

Victory in World War II was a victory of spies; success in business is success in intelligence. The more information you have, the higher your chance of success.

You slept with your ex for years, so you probably already know a lot: workplace, life habits, names of friends, online accounts, credit card information, ID number. You need those things as raw material for what follows.

You also need to learn the details of the wedding. For that, the only option is to penetrate her life again. That is both the key and the hard part, and the computer is the best breakthrough point.

Remember the passwords she used before? Even if she changed them, the way she thinks probably has not changed, and she cannot possibly have changed every password on every account.

Try logging in to the e-commerce sites she used frequently and see what she has bought recently. Great, you discover that she ordered nine boxes of extra-thin dotted Durex condoms on Tmall. No need to be jealous just yet: the size is the Japanese model, which means the man who is taking over after you is very small down there. They probably need quantity to make up for a lack of quality.

Mail her a package in the name of the store. It does not matter what return address you write; as long as the store’s name appears on the parcel, she will not be suspicious. Inside is a little gift and a pretty USB drive. The greeting card says this is a small extra gift that was omitted from the original shipment.

Curious, your ex plugs in the USB drive. It contains product images and an executable file called 9-discount-for-loyal-customers.exe. She double-clicks it. A dazzling, Taobao-like flash-sale interface pops up, but it says the event is over.

In reality the executable is bundled with a trojan, which of course you prepared in advance. The most important thing is that it must evade antivirus detection. Otherwise the warning will alert the target and ruin Plan B. You can buy such a payload, or at least buy the tooling, and then make sure the bundled file also passes a second round of evasion.

At that moment, you have used a weakness in human nature to pull off a neat social-engineering intrusion.

This sort of “offline intrusion” has a high success rate. If your conditions make it inconvenient, there are still Plans B, C, D, and E. For example, log in to her email or cloud drive and bundle trojans into executable files stored there. A more advanced move is to infer which version of Office she uses from attachments she exchanges at work and then try exploiting a corresponding vulnerability. If she is still on Office 2003, chances are she never updates, so the success rate is not bad.

A riskier approach is to find unread mail in her inbox, set up a local SMTP server, resend the message in the original sender’s name, add a malicious attachment, delete the original email, rescue the forged one from the spam box, mark it unread, and wait for her to bite. The risk is obvious: if she calls the sender and asks what the attachment is, the game is over.

A three-person household

Once you control your ex’s computer, you can monitor her life. Through the computer’s microphone you can hear her chatting, flirting, moaning with another man. Never turn on the webcam. If the webcam light turns on, you are finished.

From then on, you are effectively living with the two of them. Through the trojan, you obtain passwords for almost all of her accounts. Her husband’s computer shares the same home Wi-Fi, and lateral movement inside a household LAN is rarely difficult. Soon you control his machine as well.

You can read their emails and QQ chat logs. They will inevitably invite friends to the wedding through QQ, so you obtain the wedding date and location.

Search their hard drives to see whether there are documents like a wedding plan. If not, that is fine; mobile phones are the real communication hub anyway.

By organizing the passwords you have already collected, it is usually easy to guess the password for the carrier’s online service hall. The weakness of this method is that your ex may receive an SMS notification when you log in, so it is better not to rely on this. Think differently. If she uses an iPhone, try iCloud. The password is at least eight characters and contains uppercase, lowercase, and numbers. Test combinations based on her habits and the passwords you have already gathered. If you succeed, you can recover backed-up contacts containing the phone numbers of her parents, relatives, in-laws, and even the wedding planner.

If she uses Android, then it depends on whether she ever backed up her contacts. If not, keep reading.

Through screen monitoring, you can tell when she plugs the phone into the computer. If you are good at coding, write a tool that automatically pulls out contacts, SMS records, and similar data. If your coding is poor, I can still teach you a dumb method.

Use the trojan to enable Remote Desktop on her machine. On Windows XP, logging in via RDP logs out the current user, so for safety you should wait until the screensaver is active, since she may not notice. You also need to have configured port forwarding on the router in advance. Then perform a string of low-intelligence tasks: download any phone-management tool you want, such as Wandoujia. For iPhone, iTools works well. Pull out the contacts, SMS, photos, and so on, then reboot.

If you have enough money to buy some commercial spyware, you can even monitor calls on an Android phone in real time. On iPhone it depends on whether the phone is jailbroken. If it is, you can package a small .deb and upload it. The functionality does not need to be complicated. Even taking a screenshot every minute and uploading it can yield quite a lot of information. I will not discuss that in detail here.

In the end, you obtain the phone numbers connected with the wedding, confirm the time and venue, and use message records and call logs to figure out who will attend.

The action begins

Now comes the time to be creative. Squeeze out every drop of malice you have accumulated over the first half of your life.

Find the phone number of the wedding-company contact in the address book. Choose an identity that makes sense under the circumstances. The conversation might go like this:

Hello Mr. XX, I wanted to ask whether everything for XXX’s wedding is almost ready. I’m XXX’s second older brother. I handled the early planning, but I’m out of town now and I have a new idea. Could you arrange a larger LED display at the venue? I had someone make a short video and I’d like it to be a surprise for my younger brother and his bride. Please don’t tell them. I’ll send the video to you, and I’ll transfer the LED rental fee right away. If they ask, just say it was included as a free bonus. Please don’t let it slip.

Nobody hates money. During small talk, mention a few wedding details you learned earlier, casually and naturally, so the other side believes even more strongly that you really are the groom’s older brother.

Pull out the couple photos from your ex’s computer and make a romantic slideshow with sentimental music. Then insert a few Photoshopped images from time to time. The man in the edited photos should be your ex’s husband, but the woman should be someone else. Anyone will do, so long as she is prettier than your ex.

The wedding-company staff will not look too closely. They do not really remember the bride anyway, and all women in wedding photos across China look more or less the same. Once they test the video, it becomes one of the “surprises” built into the wedding.

Halfway through the ceremony, the MC says emotionally, “And now, a special gift sent from far away by the groom’s second older brother. Please look at the big screen.”

At the very moment the groom is wondering where this older brother came from, a photo appears on the screen showing him with a strange woman. Your ex’s face will turn green on the spot. The audience below will immediately erupt in murmurs.

Find an escort anywhere you like and pay her an extra hundred yuan to call your ex on the day of the wedding and say: “Hello. I heard you’re marrying XXX today. I wish you both well. I hope you’ll take good care of him in the future, just as he once took care of me.”

The second she hangs up, your ex will probably grab her husband’s throat and shout: “When did you have another ex-girlfriend that you never told me about?”

This call is crucial. Your ex will interpret all the chaos at the wedding as sabotage by one of her husband’s former lovers. Meanwhile, the groom will spend the whole day wondering which ex did this.

Creativity is endless. Before the wedding, you could also contact classmates and friends traveling in from out of town and tell them the venue has changed.

At the peak of the ceremony, you could even send a group MMS to every relative and friend attending, using the phone numbers you obtained earlier, containing photos of your ex with another man. Just imagine the effect.

Good news travels slowly; bad news flies a thousand miles. The pressure of public opinion is terrifying. This wedding would become a shadow haunting your ex for the rest of her life.

This operation requires neither especially advanced technical skill nor much money. What it requires is creativity and care. Through the internet, we can ruin a wedding, even kill a person. Another day we can analyze how to kill your online friend using only one computer.

So why am I this cheap?